Driving home from a really kickass Tuesday double (Zumba and Poise (mat-based Pilates)) I heard this throwback from Soul Asylum and it actually made me cry. Great band, great song and so perfectly timed with how I was feeling! I recently told someone that I consider myself to be happy 89% of the time. That's a pretty high percentage for an adult right? Well today I'll address that other 11% because the last week has been a serious mental struggle (NOT a strugglefest because that is a stupid term. File that under phrases Sam* hates along with "feeling all the feels" and "#soblessed"). While I am totally bubbly, upbeat and excited about life the vast majority of the time I definitely have these moments where I just fall apart.
It starts innocently enough, usually with the internalizing of something someone says.... And then it spirals into serious, gut-wrenching self-doubt that I could drown in if I'm not careful. This weekend I had a few social letdowns back-to-back that knocked the sunshine out of my sails. Add in the insanely frigid temperatures (-8 as a high? WTF) plus feeling generally rundown and it's a recipe for disaster. By Sunday night I had worked myself up into a serious MOOD and very little was going to change it.
It's funny how you can be upset about one thing and allow that little thing to have the power to cause a domino effect through your life, like a runaway train. Suddenly having a happy life, great job, wonderful family and friends paled in comparison to the fear that I was never going to reach my weight loss goal and because I was never going to succeed there I was destined to be single for eternity. Alone. Fat. Miserable. Collecting cats. I'm literally my own worst enemy sometimes with the negative self-thoughts! I've blogged about weight-loss before and I don't want to bring those thoughts into this blog too much but suffice to say I am at the healthiest point I've been at ever (literally ever) with both my eating and my exercise routine. I'm seeing little changes. I'm excited for what I know is coming....but it's just taking SO LONG for noticeable progress. Why is it so easy to gain a pound and so freaking hard to lose a pound? Why do we as society put so much merit in physical appearance when our connection in relationships is based off so much more?
I was in my funk most of Monday and into Tuesday when I actually had a breakdown that started during Pilates and continued for a few hours after class. I'm grateful for my mom who was willing to take a drive with me to help me clear my head and cry it out. Sometimes you need to lean in and let it go - cry it out, no matter how ridiculous "it" is. Carrie Bradshaw once said:
So true! Why do the things I don't have overshadow all the things I DO have?! Perhaps because the older you get the harder it is to be single and still smiling.
This morning I'm in a better place. A little sunshine, a nice breakfast (quiche, my favorite) + some perspective always help. That said I think it's important to remember that a few tough days are to be expected for everyone and sometimes you just have to work through them. I'm always looking for the lesson or the sign that change is needed - sometimes bad days don't have rhyme or reason, they just are. <3