It's been an emotional few weeks and I thought blogging might be a fruitful activity. “Closing Time” is one of my all-time favorite throwback songs from my formative teenage years. “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end” is of course the best line. That seems to sum up my feelings at the moment. Often times we look at defining moments in our lives as only being tied to major milestones; births, death, marriages, divorces, babies, houses. However, sometimes there are moments when you feel the shift inside you - you know that what you've just gone through will define a chapter in your book of life. I've recently experienced that and once I did a quick inventory I realized it was indeed the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new, really exciting one.
I've been kicking ass and taking names with my quest to slim down - so much so that the bridesmaid dress mentioned last post fits...3 months early! I had assumed I would need it taken OUT but instead I will actually need it taken IN before the wedding. Hello, Goal digger! :) I have been seeing Danielle, the owner of my studio (Studio Poise) for private lessons and measurements once every 4-5 weeks since January. We took measurements last week and realized since January I was down 29 inches overall - including 5 inches from my ghetto booty. Holy mackerel is that an AWESOME feeling. I've also lost 68 pounds this year, coupled with my 50 from September > December last year for a total of 118 pounds in 10 months. You might be saying "Sam, that's a PERSON!". It is. I present you with a photo of Brittany, one of my cutie favorite instructresses at Studio Poise who weighs roughly 118 pounds - I have lost a Brittany! I can't tell you what an AMAZING feeling it is to have found some place I love to exercise filled with so many amazing, supportive, sweet friends.
In addition to taking a million sweaty, fabulous classes I've recently decided I want to try jogging, with the hopes of completing a 5k this year (inspired by my friend Meg who says running is dumb, but totally rocks it anyways) :). My friend Katie is a runner and convinced me to actually commit to achieving this goal. We decided I should start off walking, work up to walking a 5k then I could try a couch to 5k style jogging program. There is a lake right near the studio that happens to be exactly 3.1 miles around - perfect! I have done 4 walks total and being totally honest it has been a terrible experience over all. I had a cute outfit, sneakers, a perfect playlist and a plan each time - and the walk itself was just fine. However, being alone with my thoughts early in the morning had an unexpected and profound effect on me. All 4 times I wound up crying. Once I was full on sobbing by the time I reached my car. I wasn't in pain, I wasn't sore - I was emotionally spent. In class I have to focus on the teacher - what move are we doing? What dance is next? How much weight for how many reps? I don't have a lot of down time in my own head. With walking it's just me and the lake and my thoughts. I start off peppy and happy and within 1/2 a mile I'm deep into "Why didn't I get my shit together in my twenties? Am I unlovable? Will I die alone?". It's awful. However, getting all that out (rather than keeping it bottled in) certainly does FEEL better after the fact. Katie offered to join me for a walk Thursday morning which meant we had to get up at 4:15 to make sure we both could get to work in time etc. Not many people in this world will get up at 4:15 and drive 30 mins just to support you in a goal. :) My farthest distance before our walk was 1.75 miles, together we completed all 3.1 miles of the lake - without a single tear shed!
The same week my BFF, Julie was going to be visiting her sister who lives a mere 20 mins away and decided to extend her trip to see me. I have been friends with Julie since 2002 and she is family at this point, few people know me (and can 'real talk' me) like she can. One night on the phone prior to her visiting I joked we should tackle my clothes - which have extended from one armoire and a chest of drawers to 87 piles, 1 hamper and 2 laundry baskets (plus the aforementioned armoire and chest of drawers). It's insanity. I can't find ANYTHING and I am honestly not sure what I even own at this point. She and I have done this once before, years ago. Organizing is more fun with friends because you can justify keeping things when you're alone - things you should be letting go of.
I wish we had taken a before picture - because it was honestly overwhelming. I had clothing in 6 sizes - 4 of which are too big for me! I was holding on to outdated things that still have tags from 2004 simply because "some day they might fit". Julie took no prisoners. She made me try on nearly everything - and then she made the tough calls easier by just holding open the trash bag while I pouted and discarded an item I once loved. I never realized how much emotion I tied to clothing! I laughed, I cried, I relived things I hadn't thought about in years and I paused in the moment to reflect on how far I've come. Outfits I wore this past winter were now officially too big and looked like potato sacks. Dresses I wore to fancy dinners could have fit Julie and I in them. It was cathartic, but also really tough. Letting go isn't easy for me - and I can see in hindsight that the chaos surrounding me in my room was a cocoon of safety. I didn't have to accept that I wasn't the same person I once was. I have outgrown my old life. The one where I bought things to compensate for hating my body and tried to desperately mask by sadness by dressing it up. I no longer need to put a bow on it and hope no one notices it's not a pretty package.
To cap the week off I decided it was time for a hair change. I cut off ~7-8 inches inches and changed the color pretty drastically. I love it. Oh and course I cried when I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. I didn't realize I was so pretty. When did that happen?!
So just to quickly recap in the last week I have celebrated the following milestones:
- Losing 118 pounds and 29 inches since September
- Walking 3.1 miles without crying or dying
- Donating 11 bags of clothing that no longer suits me
- Cutting off my hair
I feel like a new, improved *Sam ready to tackle the next chapter where in she:
- Gets into the size 20 then 18 jeans patiently waiting for her in her "goal drawer"
- Completes a 5k
- Falls in love with someone who appreciates her imperfections and is up for the 5am "slow jogs". <3
Oh and it wouldn't be a *Sam post without a quote from my girl, Danielle LaPorte: