Anytime anyone mentions the word celebration I can't be the only one that busts into "Cellllebrate good times - c'mon" by Kool & The Gang, can I? Also I just noticed the singer in that video could very well be related to Snoop Dogg. Anyways! This post has been rattling around in my head for a bit and I decided it was time to share.
There are occasions that call for celebration, without question. Engagements, pregnancies, weddings, babies, new houses, new jobs, even divorces in some cases! But then there's this whole gray area in life where something happens and you should celebrate or be excited but you pause because you know the reason you're celebrating is because you came back from something negative. I recently posted about the debt I'm currently conquering. The feedback I got was amazing and all very positive but I did receive one comment that struck me (only takes one, right?) - along the lines of "You know if you had just dealt with your feelings to begin with you wouldn't have emotionally overcompensated with money". I do know, I know all too well that I made the shitty situation then I brought myself back from it.
Well, over the last few weeks I have found myself pausing when someone asks how much weight I've lost. The whole idea of "*Sam's lost a person" is past the point of cute and into the point of "OMG she lost THAT much and is still fat?!". So I've been pausing before answering or ending up in a few awkward convos. Case in point - a co-worker from my last job, "M" and I were chatting and he asked how my weight-loss was going and if I was still addicted to my crazy classes. I said yes, I had actually hit a milestone recently - I have officially lost "a Jim" (my work husband) or 180 pounds. Of course M was excited....then there was a pause on his side and a very solemn "Sam does this mean you're like, wasting away?". Um hardly. I'm still plus-size - still fat - still have a long way to go. Size 28 to size 18/20 is awesome and I look like a different person....but I'm still not at goal. I sent him a link to a blog I recently wrote for SP (check it out here) and I finished my lunch as he read it. Then came the part I dreaded....
"Uhhhh Sam.... So .... "What was your starting weight?".
Therein lies the problem. I don't want to share that ugly, awful number. I feel like somehow by saying I once weighed *** that it opens me up to scrutiny and criticism and frankly, I don't want that. For as tough as I am sometimes, that is one my huge soft spots. I'm at the point where I don't want to publicly share my progress because I'm so embarrassed about where I once was. I'm ashamed that such a smart, professionally successful woman let herself get to a point where her weight controlled her life. I have shared these sentiments with a few friends and one of them sent me this and said "Replace "depression" with fat and this might help you gain some perspective".
Interesting thought, eh? I am proud of how far I have come and will continue to go - but I still hesitate in whether it deserves celebration where it was self-inflicted! We'll see how I feel as 2017 progresses. :)