Can't Hurry Love
I always joke there is an ever-evolving soundtrack to my life? Right now this song might be on repeat:
I need to find, find someone to call mine,
But mama said you can't hurry love,
No you just have to wait,
She said love don't come easy,
It's a game of give and take.
You can't hurry love,
No, you just have to wait,
You gotta trust, give it time,
No matter how long it takes;
I’ve been doing the online dating thing - when you work from home full-time and have only female-centric hobbies it’s basically impossible to meet someone. You’ve seen the commercials - they trick you into thinking there’s this really good guy just sitting on the end of his phone waiting for you and you’ve walked by each other dozens of times while you’re at brunch or in the grocery store. In the 6ish weeks I’ve been doing this (Bumble and Match for reference) I have talked to a million guys and met a few - and it seems the vast majority of guys are falling into three camps:
- Don’t actually want a relationship - want a hookup. Veto. I’m 35, I don’t want a hookup, I want a husband. Note: I don’t flat out say this but I do say I’m looking for something serious > casual.
- Are waiting for the “BBD” - Bigger, Better Deal ala “Let’s Make a Deal”. I forget where I heard this and I really wish I could remember because it’s SO perfect. They chat you up, they make plans, they might even meet you but they’re not REALLY invested because at any moment Kate Upton could walk into their life and swipe right on THEM. You’re only here until something better comes along.
- Say they want XYZ (independent woman with her own life for example) actually want ABC (doting, adoring woman to hang on their every word that has no life). Sigh.
It’s so hard to navigate and not really having dated much over the last 5 yrs I can say the etiquette is really confusing! Did you know there’s such a thing as a courtesy swipe? Mmm that’s when you swipe right (yes you’re cute, I’d date you) simply because the person is in your circle. You don’t actually want to date them, you’re just being polite. WHAT?! Insanity. Then there's groups of people who identify as polyamorous (open relationships) or sapiosexual (don't actually want to have sex, need to be turned on by a brain). It's a LOT. Dating is 1000 times more complicated than it was when our parents were young.
You also go through bouts of what i call “app exhaustion” - you see so many faces and so many cute doggo pictures (every guy owns or borrows a cute doggo, I swear) that they all blur together. And it’s so much to compose the perfect, witty message - you need to sound cute but not desperate. I wish my no bullshit attitude translated better in the dating world - but it doesn't. I'm not good at games. I don't want to text back and forth 4000 times. I'd rather see someone interesting, chat and make a plan for a cocktail or a coffee. Apparently that is a foreign concept now-a-days! :)
Sometimes I wish I had met “my person” in my twenties rather than building my career and traveling. But, if I had I might have ended up with someone who stunted my growth. The guys I dated circa 10 yrs ago weren’t good for me and would have never supported the person I am today. So everything happens for a reason (hate that but it’s true!) and you can’t rush something you want to last.
So I've been telling myself that you can't hurry love....and you can't rush something before it's ready. I know this from cooking - how many times have I been STARVING and tried to pull dinner out of the oven before the timer was up? More than I care to admit. No one wants half baked dinner and no one wants half baked love, amiright?